Getting Unstuck from the COVID-19 Muck!

There are moments this past week when I feel like the main character in Nick Bland’s children’s book, The Very Cranky Bear.  Do you know the story?  Four little friends try different ways to cheer him up but only one very plain little sheep looks and listens closely enough to discover what the bear is really needing.  The little sheep sacrifices her own wool to make the bear a soft pillow so he can finally fall asleep. What an empathetic little sheep! I feel like I used to be that sheep before the world turned upside down.

Okay, so I’m cranky.  I purposely chose the Bitter font for this post!  I think most of the world is cranky right now.  

If I was to look at the Thayer Matrix I could honestly say I’m getting stuck in the Low Energy/ High Tension (LT/HT) quadrant a lot!  I know this because even the tiny things bug me.  I feel like this quadrant is shaded black for a reason.  It can get so dark it’s hard to find your way out. I need some light!  I feel like I’m stuck in COVID-19 muck and need help getting out.

Even though I know all the five practices of Self-Reg, I have had pangs of panic that drain me of energy and bring me to tears.  At those times, it all just seems too much. But being stuck keeps teaching me so much about myself. It feels like hell, but it also makes me get real about why I got here.  The challenge is to find ways to get unstuck. If I look and listen, my body and my brain have the answers. 

Back to the Very Cranky Bear story.  Remember the simple little sheep? Her sacrifice was big, she didn’t care what she looked like, even though the other animals seemed to only think about themselves and what would make them happy.  That very plain little sheep was a very empathetic sheep but her end game wasn’t just to make sacrifices. Empathy can be very draining and become a prosocial stressor itself. Remember the last page of the story?  The bear is napping and all the other animal friends are playing cards. She found a way to stay socially connected to her friends. Everyone got what they needed. I’m finding that making small changes are making a big difference to help me self-regulate in these uncertain times.

Here’s what’s working to help me get unstuck today:

• I’m looking for ways to stay connected to the people who lift me up.
• I’m limiting my worrying about COVID-19 to the morning when I have more energy.
• I’m finding ways to laugh and release the tension - all the crazy memes!
• I go outside and walk, staying 2 meters away from folks of course. Physical distancing doesn’t mean I can’t make eye contact, smile and say hello.  I still need to be me. 
• I shout out “Not today Corrrona!” rolling my r's along with with thousands of others each morning. (See Dr. Jody Carrington’s Facebook page)
• I’m recognizing that the junk food cravings are a result of increased stress. But I don’t beat myself up about it, the junk food cupboard will soon be empty!
• I’m finding ways to stay connected to my preschool little ones and get such joy from seeing the photos and videos we share.
• I’m trying to make a video to send to my father who is in long term care.  It didn’t work the first time. YouTube told me to relax and come back in a few minutes.  It worked the second time! 
• I find solace in listening to Dr. Deena Hinshaw, our province’s chief medical officer.  She’s smart, she’s calm and she makes me feel hope! (Notice how she never touches the podium, only the paper she holds.  Our premier could learn from her.)

COVID-19 muck can be a hot sticky mess! It will likely take us all down into the dark, mucky LE/HT
quadrant occasionally - maybe even daily.  But it can’t keep us there!

“NOT TODAY CORRRRRRRONA!!!!!”

   

Celebrating Step Five - RESPOND

There is no beginning or ending with Self-Reg.  It is a continuous process with multiple entry points.  Once we arrive at step five we are not finished. The journey never ends.

Step Five is about responding, paying close attention, and knowing when you need to reframe your behavior in order to recognize a stress overload.  It's important to understand the difference between just reducing stress and responding in a way that will restore your energy.  Each of these steps feel different.

Be mindful that your restorative practices may need to change over time.  All the steps of Self-Reg are personal.  This step is no different.  Here is how I see it now:

 

What does Step Five Sound Like?

Step Five Respond: Develop Personal Strategies to Promote Restoration & Resilience

As with all the steps of Self-Reg, this last step is very individual.  Once we are able to reflect deeply on which practices help us to restore, we are motivated to regularly put them in place.  A truly restorative practice will be something we are drawn to solely for the sake of restoring.  A restorative practice leaves us feeling good and replenishes our energy reserves.  I love listening to someone describe their unique step 5 practice.  Their eyes light up and their voice becomes more animated as they speak enthusiastically about something that promotes their well-being and resilience.   What do these conversations sound like?  Here are a few examples:

"I love cycling.  It feels so good to get up early in the morning and travel for miles down the highway. It is something I do to give me energy. It makes me feel alive!"
"Biking isn't at all about exercise for me.  An exercise bike is so boring, but biking on the road gives me a feeling of freedom. I miss this feeling and hope I can get back on my bike in the spring."
"Yoga feels so good to me. You should really give it a try.  I feel great afterwards, like I could take on the world."
"I love the pool, so much I go twice a week. I like to work vigorously during my class. I notice the difference when we have a new instructor who doesn't push us as hard."
"I like to go for coffee to do the daily crossword puzzle in the newspaper at McDonalds. It is something I enjoy doing everyday."
"I try to get outside every day.  I especially love hiking, but even just taking a walk down the road leaves me feeling relaxed and clear headed."

I believe it is important to practice all five steps of Self-Reg but I also feel that this last step can be difficult to fully understand until you have worked on the other four steps.  If you are caught in a stress cycle, a practice that was once restorative, may no longer produce the same results for you. This step is not simply about choosing a strategy or practice that has worked for you and then doing it all the time, in exactly the same way.  This is a responsive step. A step that recognizes when your body or brain needs something else in order to be able to restore.

This may mean that you have more stress-detecting to do.  Are there hidden stressors at play now? Understanding that the steps are cyclical, and the process is a lifelong one, will help you navigate to at restorative practice that fits you best at any stage of life.

Step 4 - Reflect - Enhancing Stress Awareness

Have you ever been startled when you look at yourself in one of those magnifying mirrors?  Up close, your reflection shows every little wrinkle, every grey hair, even every skin blemish.  There is no hiding from the truth! It was always right in front of you every day, but you've never seen it that clearly before! Maybe it is because you haven't been able to see those things standing in front of an ordinary bathroom mirror each day. Maybe it is because you don't take the time to look closely. It can also be a bit scary to examine ourselves so closely.

The more you practice step four of Self-Reg, the more you see too. Step four is all about enhancing stress awareness.  Each of the Self-Reg steps can happen at any point in time, but I think this step is the most important one.  I keep coming back to step four over and over again because there are certain conditions that can prevent me from truly seeing clearly even when the evidence is right in front of me.

If I am caught in a stress cycle, it isn't possible to do step four.  It is only once the stress has been reduced and I'm feeling more relaxed that I am able to be more self-aware.  Over the past few years, I have been able to recognize which stressors I need to reduce each day.  I am getting better at stress-detecting. I  try to take action before I crash.  Even if it takes a crash to help me identify my stressors, I try not to beat myself up. I'm learning to take mental note of what led me to that state.

When I'm talking with students, I call stressors energy zappers.  Some stressors seem small and insignificant until you add up all the little energy zappers and see how quickly you become drained. It reminds me of my bank account and all the little charges that added together are a significant drain on my financial position!

If I pay attention to the little energy zappers and reduce or eliminate them, I will have energy left for step four. Here is how I reduce my stress during the day in order to enhance my stress awareness:

• I eat a healthier breakfast each morning.
• I don't listen to the radio on my drive to or from school - I listen to my favorite playlist.
• I try to drink lots of water during the day and carry my water bottle with me.
• I watch to see that I have walked at least 10 000 steps each day.
• I try to go outside a few times each day.
• I find time to be alone several times during the school day.
• I chew gum on my half-hour drive home instead of eating unhealthy snacks.

Paying closer attention to my energy-tension state at different points in the day has really helped me be more stress aware. I also know how good it feels to relax and build my energy reserves. For many years, I have known how much I love the quiet and being alone.  I know that those two conditions are good ways for me to restore my energy. Paying closer attention to how my body is feeling during times of calm has helped me know what I need.  I'm starting to predict the times where there will be significant energy zappers during my day.  I try to adjust my day to find time to restore my energy, even in little ways because these add up too, over the course of a day.

One Self-Reg tool that may be helpful to track your energy-tension states is the Thayer Matrix. Another helpful tool is the Energy-Tension Reflection Journal.  It can help you analyze your different states and reframe them in order to see your individual stressors.  

My body is telling me there is more stress detective work to be done. The reason I know this is because I don't sleep well.  I have trouble going to sleep and staying asleep each night. There is no hiding from the truth, but there is hope that I will get to the root cause if I keep working on each of the steps of Self-Reg.

Reduce the Stress? Yes, but how?

Photo Credit: TMC

Managing our energy and tension (self-regulation) can help us find the right amount of stress for optimal functioning. Don't forget that stress isn't all bad, but it requires close monitoring. We need to learn to recognize our own stress behaviour (when our limbic brain starts to run the show) and keep asking these two questions;

• Why? 
• Why now?

As simple as these two questions seem, they can take you on a wild ride! The benefits of Shanker's Self-Reg really begin to kick in when we reduce the stress (Step 3).  The five steps aren't linear; you'll find yourself jumping in at any point once you start wearing your Self-Reg goggles! 
I've had a wild ride this past year filled with stress in each of the five domains. But haven't we all?  The difference for me has been learning to apply the five steps to my life.  

Photo credit: originalpozer Self Reg Label added.

This is what I know now:

1. I can't unknow what I've learned.   I now view every aspect of my life through Self-Reg lenses.  It has helped me better understand myself and others.  My goal is to respond to the stress behaviour I see in myself and others using the steps of Self-Reg.
2. There is a stress epidemic in our world today.  As an educator, I have witnessed this first hand in my students, my staff and myself.  We need to change how we respond to stress behaviour, but we first need to recognize it in ourselves or face the health consequences of being caught in a stress cycle.
3. There is a tremendous amount of science behind Self-Reg that has helped me understand why it works, but also why it takes time to internalize.  The TMC Foundations courses have been a way for me to do that.
4. I know I'm thinking from a self-control viewpoint when I beat myself up for slipping into the Low Energy/High Tension quadrant of the Thayer Matrix.  I'm learning to understand that self-control is made possible by focusing on what comes first; self-regulation.
   

Don't be afraid or ashamed of the lower right quadrant of the Thayer Matrix! How else can we know when to take action towards optimal functioning? Paying attention to the changes in our energy level as it relates to our overall stress load will help us identify what stress we can reduce or maybe even eliminate.

What I've learned about Step 3:  Reduce the Stress?

1. It may happen naturally once you've begun to recognize your stressors.  For example, I've always had a bit of a commute to work.  I've noticed that listening to certain radio stations is very dysregulating for me.  I love music, but not the chatter that goes on between the radio announcers, the news, the weather, the ads etc.  My solution is to listen to the playlists on my phone.  I feel so much better after driving.  This past year, I decided to start using earbuds so I could listen to my tunes before doctor appointments and medical tests.  It made a big difference to my overall stress load!
2. Practice! Practice! Practice!  Try to make small reductions in stress, but do them routinely.  Small changes in bite size pieces will start to make a dent in reducing your stress load.  Another driving example: I've learned to do some shoulder/neck exercises (safely) while driving.  Just knowing I can get these stretches in and they will count towards my overall daily physio requirements has helped to reduce my stress!  This works for breathing exercises too.  My goal is to remember to pause and breathe when I help a student co-regulate, but I need to practice often so it comes automatically to me in the moment.
3. Co-regulation is powerful.  When I'm co-regulating with a student, sometimes it may mean doing nothing.  I'm doing nothing purposefully though!  I'm checking in with myself.  Red brains pick up signals from other red brains.  This is the time where all that breathing practice in my car can pay off.  I need to be able to think clearly and know my next steps with this child.  It will look a bit different each time, and that's what can be hard to describe to others. I'm also learning to pay attention to the times when others co-regulate me.  What is it that they do that helps me calm?  
4. Writing helps. This summer, I took time to make my own stress inventory, listing stressors in each of the five domains; biological, emotion, cognitive, social and prosocial. It became instantly clear which domains were draining my energy more than others.   That knowledge alone has helped me see ways I could reduce my overall stress load.  

I'm learning not to feel guilty about needing energy for those high tension times in my life.  Living a Self-Reg life is a process that never ends. That is exactly the point and exactly why it works.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Self-Reg Begins With Me

I am one of the educators referred to in this poster. I learned through TMC's Foundations One course that applying Self-Reg had to begin with me first.  This embodied learning took time and I noticed that my thinking changed more profoundly as I applied this new knowledge to my own circumstances.  I needed time to just take in the information and let it settle in my brain.  Sometimes, it was a perfect fit and I could make connections to how I’d been living for years.  Other times, the knowledge was a bit foreign and I wasn’t sure how to interpret it.   It didn’t fit nicely into a package and sometimes it contradicted all my earlier learning.  This was when I would need to re-read, re-watch and re-listen to the material presented each week.  There were times I had to admit that I was struggling to understand or accept what I was learning.  I think the most uncomfortable time for me was when I was learning about the classical view of human nature in Module 2; Plato’s and the early Christian thinkers' influence on our western view of human functioning.  It caused the most discomfort because it forced me to wrestle with the origins behind the concepts of self-control and effortful control. Understanding that self-regulation makes self-control possible was a lot to think about!

Like so many other Foundations learners, I went through a period of unrest early on.  This actually happened before I took the course. It was when I read Dr. Shanker's book Calm, Alert and Learning.  I was feeling uncomfortable because I couldn’t find the recipe for Self-Reg in the pages of the book. There wasn’t a set of lessons to follow.  Once I attended the Institute at Trent University and heard the message that this wasn’t a program, I began to relax.  Hearing from the various speakers helped me understand that I was about to embark on a journey, not adopt a program.

For me, the on-line Foundations course was a great fit for my learning style.  I appreciated the pace of the course over many months and the option of suspending my learning if necessary and joining another cohort later on.  I didn’t end up having to do that, but it was wonderful to know the option was available.  I found the best way for my learning to develop was to just watch/listen to the videos or read the material while walking on my treadmill. Originally, I decided that I needed to do this so my back wouldn’t hurt while leaning over my laptop screen.  I didn’t take any notes at all during my first viewing/reading.  Actually, I did attempt to type some notes a few times, but it was just too hard to multi-task!  So I just let the material settle over me as I moved and then I began to feel so focused during my weekly walks/lessons. The science behind why this was working for me is really what Self-Reg is all about.  I needed to reduce my own stress from my workday in order to be able to focus on the material and for me, walking did that.  As the weather improved, I took to walking outside.  The Foundations material didn’t play on my phone so I decided to purchase some audiobooks - one of them was Dan Siegel’s Mindsight.  These additional resources recommended by Dr. Shanker helped me to develop a deeper understanding of Self-Reg.  I used this time to get an embodied understanding of Self-Reg with each week’s bite sized portions of material. My weekly notes and assignments came more easily once I reframed, recognized and reduced my own stressors. I was able to learn about Self-Reg by practicing it.

Applying what I learn to my own circumstances has always been important to me.  I learn even more when I teach others.  While I was taking the course, I shared my learning with my staff in a variety of ways.  I want my school to become a Self-Reg Haven, so I’m intentional about wearing my Self-Reg lenses every day.  I want the language of self-regulation to become part of our school community so I’m always talking about the first three steps with others.  I try to reframe behaviour, recognize and reduce stressors in a wide range of contexts. It has taken many months, but now some of my staff see the importance of practicing Self-Reg themselves so they can be better educators for their students. This brings me great joy!  

I often share examples of when I wish I could replay a particular incident so that I could have recognized and reduced the stress in the moment.  I try to be gentle on myself by sharing that reflecting on these tough days actually helps us become better stress detectives in the future.  It’s kind of funny how quickly people think you are an expert at something because you are always talking about it. I cringe and immediately correct people when they refer to me as the ‘guru’ or ‘expert’ in Self-Reg.  I have so much more to learn! I always want people to know that I’m still learning to apply Self-Reg to my own life every day.  Helping others to apply the steps of Self-Reg is a learning journey we can take together, side by side.

It doesn’t rain but it pours: Recognizing a stress storm when you’re in one

For the past eight months, a storm has been brewing in my life.  It began gradually with intermittent squalls and turned into a long drawn out cyclone intent on wreaking havoc in its path.  Please don’t get me wrong, there have been many, many important lessons learned because of the storm.  Those lessons helped me find a much needed calm.  I am better prepared for future storms because of the lessons of the past eight months.  So what has the weather got to do with my stressors and Self-Reg?

When Dr. Shanker talks about a stress cycle, it conjures up an image of a spiralling cyclone.  This image is perfect to illustrate what happens when we are impacted by stressors in several domains at once or we’re impacted by significant stressors in a single domain for too long. These stressors will interact with each other and can grow into a vicious cycle, difficult to escape.
I’ll try to explain what has happened in a way that helps you recognize my unique stressors in each of the five domains. Being able to recognize stressors is a critical step in Self-Reg. It is also complex. My learning to be a better stress detective first began by looking back on past life experiences in my life.  It's helped me to better understand Self-Reg.

My storm started brewing in July when my father ended up in hospital and he was not able to return home because of dementia and other physical health problems. Many extreme emotions came out of this experience. This was a constant drain on my energy reserves during a time of year when  I typically recharge my batteries.  During this emotional fog, my siblings and I had to make many life changing decisions involving doctors, lawyers and realtors. Thinking clearly was difficult. This was new territory for the three of us and each of us approached all this information in different ways. This added to the stress cycle build up in the prosocial domain.  Being gentle with each other as we navigated this new territory was sometimes difficult.

I went into the school year with a lower energy reserve than most years.  The workload was the same, though.  I noticed that my problem solving skills weren’t as sharp.  I struggled to find ways to support students and staff in the steps of Self-Reg. After just being given the opportunity to focus on self-regulation in my role as an associate principal, I really wanted everything to go well.  My frustration with myself consumed my days and I lost many nights of sleep. Thankfully, I was able to connect my low energy with the increased stress and talked about it with my close colleagues.  Just acknowledging where I was at in terms of energy, seemed to help me forge a path ahead.  Many staff members paid close attention to me, making sure that I was taking time to eat and get a few minutes away from the busyness of school each day.  The social and prosocial stressors are many in a busy elementary school.  Many staff are beginning to be stress detectives for each other and there is a feeling of safety and caring within our walls as a result.

Later in the fall, I went to my doctor with what I thought was a minor health concern.  It soon became clear that a swift diagnosis was not to be. There would be months of waiting between many tests with no conclusive results.  The busyness of school did help to keep the extreme emotions of worry and panic away, at least during the day.  But that’s the thing about stress, it will not be ignored.  My sleep was being affected as the emotional stress triggered a biological one. I had to find ways to be calm as the storm was brewing.  

Winter rolled in and with it the unexpected loss of both my husband’s parents.  Once again, my family was plunged into a sea of emotions while trying to navigate through days spent in hospitals, funeral homes, banks and lawyer’s offices.  Too much information, too many decisions, and too many memories were affecting us all but in slightly different ways.  Once again, caring for one another became an additional stressor as each sibling reacted to another’s distress.  Misunderstandings, hurt feelings and concern for the future affected everyone in our family.  The stress from one domain was impacting another domain and the drain on our energy was hard to dismiss.

Sometimes it takes a storm to stop us in our tracks.  I’ve been forced to recognize several stressors during these past few weeks while on a medical leave. I am at home, healing from yet another, rather invasive medical test, With the extra time away from school, I have been able to think more clearly and consider on several stressors in my work life. Identifying hidden stressors is tricky business. Sometimes we don’t recognize a stressor until we remove it.  Or if we do recognize the stressor, we may not fully acknowledge how much it negatively impacts us and so we do nothing about it.

As difficult as it is to admit, I find the social, prosocial and cognitive stressors in school very energy draining. The number of bodies in the building, always moving, always talking and asking questions, requiring that I’m always “on” burns an incredible amount of energy.  At the same time, I’ve always said that a school day without students can be very lonely, too quiet and unrewarding. How can the social aspect of school be both energy zapping and energy boosting?  My morning hugs with kids while on supervision, my classroom lessons and one-on-one chats with students and staff are all reasons I keep going back for more each year.

Working in the trenches with staff, trying to differentiate between stress behavior and misbehavior isn't always straightforward, particularly in the prosocial domain. When my tank is almost empty, it's sometimes easier to slip back into a self-control mindset or miss the signs of stress behavior in my staff. The prosocial stressors of empathy and a sense of justice quickly drain my energy reserves when I don't take time to step back and practice my own Self-Reg first. In these times, the cognitive stressors get triggered and I can't think clearly. There needs to be a balance between helping others and pausing long enough to recognize the signs of my own stress. For me, empathy is a gas guzzling stressor.

Something as simple as eating these past few weeks has been very difficult as I heal up from my most recent medical procedure. Having to be very careful about what I eat has given me the opportunity to take notice of those hidden biological stressors Dr. Shanker talks about.  At work, in a low energy - high tension state, I didn’t notice how my eating was affecting me.  Well, to be honest, I did notice but didn’t think I could make any changes because I felt I didn’t have time. I just needed to eat something quickly so I could move on with my day.  Often, that quick source of nutrition was not a very healthy choice. On days that I'd packed a healthy lunch, I wouldn't always get to it before the end of the day.

These past weeks without the busyness of school,  I’ve had so much more time to think about food in a different way. One day, I timed myself eating a small bowl of oatmeal.  It took me 35 minutes to finish it.  I just sighed when I was done, thinking that at school I have never taken that much time to eat.  I now have to carefully consider the food that goes in my mouth.  Will this cause me pain?  I’ve been so careful to protect my throat from the stress of swallowing.  The result is that I’m enjoying the time I’ve spent preparing foods that are healthy and won’t hurt going down.  I’ve avoided some junk food (except popsicles) and increased the amount of ice water I am drinking, My body has had a chance to not only heal, but be more present while I prepare and consume food.

What’s ahead?  It’s anyone’s guess what the future holds.  Has the storm been hard? Absolutely! But I just know that I wouldn’t have wanted to navigate the past eight months without the knowledge of Self-Reg that I’ve gained through the TMC Foundations courses.  The storms of life offer rich experiences to fine tune our stress detecting skills and find moments of calm. The lessons we learn from applying Self-Reg to our own lives are essential. These lessons stick with us and give us the courage to move forward, knowing there is a way out of the storm.